So...I think he may simply never have believed me before. Which is understandable really. I'm not like other girls or possibly even other people, and who would ever believe that?

so much.

I hate that I keep looking for emails from him. I hate that when my phone makes a sound I want it to be him trying to reach me. I hate that I want him so much. I hate that I don't believe he cares at all or that even if he did, he would ever have it in him to do anything about it.

Much as I hate the concept of unexplained behavior, it's possible that I was dealing with someone who doesn't ever think about anything he says or does. It probably serves me right for dating a younger man with very little experience with girls and none with women. I'm going to try to stop ascribing motivation to the actions of a man-sized teenager.

I just keep feeling like an idiot over this thing. I didn't believe he liked me in the first place, but I let him convince me otherwise. He wasn't into me, but for a while he really wanted me to think he was. Pathetic stupid male ego bullshit maybe, needing to think of himself as this great guy or something, who wouldn't just fuck me without getting involved. I don't know. But he treated me like crap, so I figure now he was trying to make me dump him almost the whole time. I mean he's also a coward to the extent that every time I confronted him about his bad behavior he made sure to tell me how he was just stupid and clueless and didn't know what he was doing but really loved me et cetera. But it's so improbable to me that he would have treated a girl he was remotely attracted to or interested in so poorly, so that just leaves that he was trying to make me do him the favor of ending it. I'm sure when he actually likes someone he makes, you know, some sort of effort in some way or another. It may just be my own failure of imagination that I can't picture a man being that lame by accident. Maybe he really is just a jerk and a loser. But I sort of figure if he ever liked me for real, he would have been nicer to me. I am such a fool.

He emailed me that he hopes I'll be able to hold onto the happy memories or some such trite crap, and tonight I actually did think of one that does still make me happy, though on an entirely different level. There was one night we were walking together, and numerous strangers felt compelled to approach him and tell him how lucky he was to have such a hot girlfriend and that he'd better treat me right.

That may have been the only time he ever actually felt proud or lucky to be with me, for all I know, and it certainly didn't translate to his treating me right, but it felt good at the time.

I knew I was with someone dangerously emotionally immature the night he looked deep into my eyes and said my first name and his last name. I should never have let myself believe he liked me in the first place. It was too good to be true, and I should have known better.

I just hope he knows what he gave up and feels as stupid as he should feel. He had a pretty girl who adored him and would do anything for him and wanted only to make him happy and to see him happy. And he blew me off because he "just didn't want to be in a relationship anymore?" What does that even mean? Were there like a dozen girls he perceived he might have had a half a chance at trying to fuck were he not tragically tied down to one? Is he just a stupid godsdamned asshole? I hope he at least knows that he will never again in life meet a girl who will be as over the moon thrilled to be with him as I was. I think he believes in some adolescent fantasy of the perfect shining love or some horseshit that will bite him in the ass someday when he realizes what he once blew off as not quite good enough.

It's not as if he was actually a good boyfriend in any way, so it should not be at all surprising that he's the world's biggest asshole when it comes to breaking up. If he weren't so good in bed, he would have literally nothing to offer. I kind of hope he falls down some stairs.

I'll probably keep doing this in little bursts here or there for a while until all the anger boils off. If someone out there slaps him, film it for me, would you?

As I was moving, I only found a couple of my old VHS tapes, and neither of them was the video of my wedding ceremony. When I couldn't find that one, I thought that I must at some point have made the decision to toss it and then forgotten that I had done so. I was pretty pleased to think that I had made that wise decision along the way.

Last night, Ace told me he'd found it; it seems I had simply hidden it away to keep it out of my sight. I barely gave it a moment's thought before saying, "You know what? I was pleased when I thought I'd gotten rid of the damned thing; throw it away for me, okay?"

So I feel pretty good about that. Sometimes you lose things in stages, but every once in a while you get to make that final choice about it too.

My very favorite musical will be on PBS next week:

http://www.pbs.org/wnet/gperf/episodes/chess-in-concert/preview-of-chess-in-concert/783/

From Victor on Friday night:

Any man who ever had a chance to sleep with you and didn't do it is just the biggest fool.

Just wanted to make a note of that one while it was fresh in my head, because that was cool.

Started out so well it seemed like it would almost be inevitable that it would go downhill as it went on...but it didn't. It was a really good day.

I went to Mud Bay for cat food, and on the way back wandered into the Spine & Crown used bookstore to scan their comic section (picked up some Ultimate X-Men hardcovers to pad my collection & replace a few singles) and wound up in a long and in-depth conversation with the proprietor about various series and writer/artist teams. Man I love comics. I love the world that opens to you when you are really into comics. There are more people than you'd think who are into it, and you're surprised over and over by how different they are. Couple of weeks back, this totally well-dressed and respectable-looking 40-something woman sat down next to me on a bus to say, "Excuse me. I stopped reading the Green Lantern books a few months back, but I hear they've gotten really great again. What do you think?"

On the way home, for whatever reason my brain flashed on the "2001" episode of SG-1, so I watched that before bed, then just hit the off buttons on the remote, took off my glasses, and fell asleep with Lethe at my feet and Chaos in the windowsill, protecting us from dragons presumably. I'm glad he came out of the closet where he spent the previous day and night hiding out. Living alone is full of very simple pleasures for me. My whole life has always kind of revolved around simple pleasures and solitude. I think I missed it more than I realized.

Ace and I just actually updated my Facebook "relationship status" which makes the breakup suddenly feel more formal and official. So weird how that is. We've been pretty broken up for a bit already, which everyone in our lives already knows, and yet we click a "cancel relationship" link on some website and it's like the equivalent of making an announcement to the world.

In other news I had a very lovely last 24 hours or so. My new dress is very pretty and got possibly a record number of compliments from strangers. I read several graphic novels outside in the sunshine. I spent the night with a friend and had a wonderful time. And that's the news that's fit to print, on this, my first public post in some time.

I had a totally awesome dream--I was part of the superhero team the Wildcats, taking on the despotic superhuman Majestic. I stabbed him through the chest with one of the blades that are the only things that can hurt him, then smoked him with my sizzling eyebeams. Then we burned the planet to a cinder around his injured body, because of course he probably wouldn't die, and we colonized another planet. Naturally, if we'd left him a domain to reign over, he might have been content enough with it, but since we toasted the Earth, he's obviously going to hunt us down eventually. But, you know, you have to leave room for a sequel.

Oh, and Sayid Jarrah was one of us, and no matter what went down, his hair continued to look amazing.

played last night at the Inaugural Spam-O-Rama at Theater Off Jackson.

It went really well, and we sounded great. Six songs in two sets, me and Dave's sax and Owen's guitar. Had a bunch of friends there, and Glenn got some pictures I will eventually have up somewhere, and Dave recorded the whole thing on his little mp3-making machine too.

Anyway, it was a fantastic night, and I just wanted to make a note of that.

Last night, watching the Angel episode She...extra-dimensional demon dude refers to his enemy as "the Bringer of Chaos."

Ace hits pause a moment later, gets up and leaves the room. He returns, cat in arms, and announces, "I am the Bringer of Chaos!"

And I am giggling over this still.

We did not, in fact, fuck this up. Hallelujah.

in the morning.

So I was profoundly nervous about leaving home for so long and to such a distance, which is mostly about my devotion to my cats, which was therefore alleviated immensely by the Chaos Cam, a gift from Ace, who is really and truly the best of all possible boyfriends.

I had a terrific time here all around, and amazingly, while I am happy to be going home to my man, my cats, and my life in general, I am not desperate to go home, which, for me, possibly counts as growth. :)

All in all, I feel much better about a lot of things.

Just had dinner in the hotel restaurant with Ryan, and before shutting down the computer for the night (after of course looking again at the kitties), I wanted to note how thoroughly I enjoyed the evening--in fact, the entire day was very nice all around.

Thank you ever so much to my incredible boyfriend who when I'm with him makes me happier than I'd ever been...for managing to make me happy when I am far far away as well by enabling me to look in on my kitties. I now know how much Lethe sleeps and how alert and watchful Chaos always is (which I'd always believed to be the case, but now I have PROOF [all caps in honor of the awesome comic book--read the first issue online at imagecomics.com!]), and most importantly, I know they are safe and happy and well, and I know they will be there waiting when I return home.

Really thrilled Ryan has come to work with us, and especially that he got to join us here in Dublin. Since I've known him, he's always been one of the people I invariably enjoy talking to and look forward to seeing. He's smart as hell, fun, kind, decent (in the deepest meaning of the word), and he makes me laugh.

The London excursion was lovely and all too brief. We Will Rock You is a brilliant show, very inventive and cleverly constructed. The Queen songs obviously rock and are used quite well within the plot, and the cast was fantastic.

Walked around London for hours, saw some sights, fed some pigeons, bought a couple of gifts for a couple of folks. Had a very very English breakfast, which was deliciously simple but so fresh and filling--scrambled eggs on toast.

Glenn had a nifty surprise for me--there was a Doctor Who exhibit at a museum near our hotel. That was really cool to see, all kinds of set, FX, and costume pieces from the last four years of Doctor Who. Wound up really wanting to watch some more DW, which I've really been bummed never seems to be on when I turn on BBC in my hotel room. You know what's on the channels in my room? Mostly sitcoms from America I hated when they were still on the air, like Cybill, Everybody Loves Raymond, and something with Christopher Lloyd I swear I'd only ever seen one episode of and somehow that episode happened to be on when I flipped channels here. I mean, obviously I am not here to watch TV, but man, that exhibit made me crave a little David Tennant Doctor Who, and I can't find it! :)

Loved London. If I still believed in reincarnation, I'd hope to be born in London next time.

Of course Glenn deserves much of the credit for the great time, which is often the case, so I should probably just hope if I have to reincarnate, the bit about sticking with the best people you knew is true.

Right now, Lethe is in the blue chair.

Having a great time, which has a whole lot to do with Ace's present to me of the Chaos Cam. Any time I want I can see my boys sleeping or posing or looking out the window, and it makes me feel at peace. I don't merely worry about them, see, especially because there's no real cause at the moment; I just love them and miss them. I need my kitties every bit as much as they do me, and just being able to see them is so comforting.

I'm actually the cat lady, it's quite clear. I don't seek to be surrounded by infinite numbers of cats, but I love my cats more than anything in the whole world.

Went tonight to see La Clique at the Hennessy Spiegeltent. Somehow I'd gotten the impression from Oz and various other representations that Hennessy would not be much to my liking. As it turns out, it's delicious. :) Also delicious? A beef and mushroom pie smaller than the palm of my hand but in taste, so big. (In my mind those last words were spoken by Enrico Colantoni and therefore much more entertaining than they look on the screen.)

La Clique was great bawdy fun. In early tonight because of my early flight to London tomorrow. As opposed to last night when I was out drinking Bulmer's till 2 AM. Bulmer's is quite the tasty cider. Also, several of the people from work I was out with are very into Stargate, so I felt right at home.

So it's 2:30 in the morning here in Dublin. I seriously thought I'd be able to sleep through the night (when I failed to keep my eyes open another moment around 6 PM), but I guess the time difference and jet lag have thrown me off completely. Because I think usually I can sleep longer than this, particularly when I have stayed up that long.

So I surrendered to wakefulness and got online to look at my kitties, thanks to the magic of my supercool boyfriend. He set up a webcam for the apartment before I left so I can see how my boys are doing. Yesterday I saw Lethe in the chair, and a few minutes ago Chaos was by the window. I have the greatest boyfriend ever.

In other news, the plane ride was very long, and Kevin Smith's autobiography is kind of aptly titled.

ETA: Ooh, right now both Chaos and Lethe are visible!!!